Exploding the myths of why people cheat!
As a noted private investigator specializing in infidelity, Julia Hartley Moore has seen it all, and has helped thousands of women and men in the grips of this destructive force.
As well as a professional interest in the subject, Julia has experienced infidelity firsthand. She was in her teens, and the mother of three children, when she experienced infidelity for the first time.
Four marriages later - and fifteen years after setting up her own international private investigation company - she is in an ideal position to offer both personal and objective insights into a subject that fascinates everyone but also devastates those it touches.
While it is not something you would wish on anyone, in many cases it is possible to move on and rebuild your relationship.Amazon.com
Bay Road Media contacted me and asked me to review Moore's book, Infidelity, which I believe had updated releases in 2011 and December of 2013. I was sent a hard copy of the 2013 edition, and I'm sorry to say I'm so late reviewing this, but here are my thoughts.
Though I do not have fears or issues with infidelity in my own relationship with my husband now, I have struggled through unhealthy relationships in the past, which is what I had in mind while reviewing this non-fiction work {though one of the cases she describes involves a guy with my husband's name! LOL}. I really enjoyed this one! Moore not only addresses infidelity, but also the intracacies of successful and non-successful relationships in general.
Infidelity doesn't always have to be physical to be betrayal. It just has to be something that removes you from your relationship. When we talk about deception and betrayal it goes without saying we have to talk about pain, and the element that causes the most pain is lying. When someone you love deceives you by lying, the one thing you can't lose sight of is that they have made a conscious choice to deceive you; therefore they have made a conscious choice to hurt you. I've often said that those who choose to betray their partners have a behavioral weakness, arrogance and a "I don't give a shit" kind of attitude. You are either monogamous or you're not. However, one can never lose sight of the fact that it all boils down to choice. The reason people have affairs is that they consciously choose to do so. No one forces them. So many people use the excuse that it "just happened", but it doesn't just happen. Your clothes don't fall off while you're walking down the street. Having an affair is something you have to plan and construct, and the very reason you skulk around corners trying not to get caught is because you know it's wrong...
~~ Julia Hartley Moore
She uses not only cases she's worked on as examples (with names changed, of course) but also her own experiences with infidelity and abusive relationships. I was particularly impressed with her candor and strength, sharing her own story to try to help others -- because hers is not an easy story to read and I imagine it was an even more painful one to relive for the purposes of educating others to the dangers and "red flag" telltale signs of unhealthy unions! There's particularly a lot of good advice in Chapter 11, "How To Spot A Cheat At 1000 Paces". But male readers, watch out for Chapter 7: "A Word To The Guys"! I'm a girl and I was cringing at how raw this one was! Not saying what she said wasn't true, but at times it kinda sounded like she was having a imagined one on one with guys from her own past. She really tears into the dudes!
I like that Moore brings up the dangers of emotional infidelity -- where there might be no sex, but maybe where your partner is secretly emotionally attached to someone else.
There are a few parts of this book that I did find myself disagreeing with:
1) I argue her theory that leaving is easier than staying, though -- in my past experiences, finding strength to end a bad relationship is one of the hardest things I've had to push myself through. Some of my relationships went on SO much longer than they needed to, simply because the hell I knew was easier to accept and live with than the fear of the unknown of where I might end up if I left.
2) I don't know about her line of reasoning when referencing "seemingly perfect" celebrity women such as Jennifer Anniston, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry being cheated on: "If something is wrong with these women, what chance is there for the rest of us?" They're not gods! I'm not saying the men were right for cheating on them, but no one knows the details of the inner workings of their relationships. Who knows, maybe these women had to go through a lot of growing pains, maybe had to learn to respect themselves more, not be doormats before they got to healthy relationships. I don't know. That's my point though. We only know what the media has us perceive about them. They may be good at their jobs but maybe relationships weren't their strong area for awhile. Not knowing, I don't know about holding them up saying "Well, if they can't get it right, what does that say about you?" Every relationship needs to be taken on an individual relationship. We shouldn't be judging one by another.
3) A husband requesting new sexual positions is a red flag? Seriously?!
But I also appreciate that Moore's tone, for the most part, is not jaded and that she does encourage her readers (this book is primarily geared towards women) that men of integrity do, in fact, exist. The thing that really made this book for me were Moore's way of relaying her message through humor so it sticks with you. I love people that can have you laughing through pain. That's a real gift. Some of my favorites:
>> "Sally was married to a man who lied like a flatfish." X-D
>> There was one line I did a double-take with (which Moore points out she expects most of her readers will...) but then laughed out loud at the follow up lines: "Honesty is an essential ingredient in conducting a successful affair.... (she goes on to explain what she means by this) ... I don't need to tell you what will happen to you when your lover finds out she's been lied to -- I'll leave that to your wife."
>> The story of the woman who discovers her husband is being unfaithful, but doesn't want to leave her high-status marriage, so she puts an ad in the paper requesting partners for discreet sex. She gets 200 replies from guys ranging in age from 19 to 80, she narrows it down to 30 to interview, then chooses 5 as her lovers-in-rotation {Congrats, now you've made yourself worse than your cheating husband...}
>> The woman who chose to stay in her marriage after the husband's infidelity was uncovered, but then hired Moore's company to make sure the husband never came home unexpectedly while she had her lover over {I don't know, I just laughed a little at the ethical blurriness of this...}
>> The story of the couple who are separated but not divorced, the wife discovers husband is sharing an apartment with new lover, waits til she hears they went on vacation overseas, then she breaks into apartment, plants grass seed in the shag rug & waters it. The husband and his new love come home to an indoor mini-lawn {I wouldn't be mad, I'd be impressed! How cool -- a mini-lawn! LOL}
>> The woman who finds out about her husband's infidelity after his death -- her kids keep reminding her that "dad wanted his ashes spread out to sea". She keeps putting it off until she finally decides to just flush the ashes down the toilet, telling her kids "He'll get there eventually." X-D LOL
>> The woman who discovered her husband's infidelity because she knew that if he went too long without sex, he tended to pass gas as he was "finishing". When he stopped doing that during their intimate moments, she got suspicious and had him checked out!
You might have been lucky enough at high school to have received some sex education. However, sex education is a very different beast to relationship education. What sex education doesn't do is teach you what to look for in a mate, how to relate on an intimate and emotional level and, more importantly, how to be a good partner. What we must do is learn how to communicate on an intimate and emotional level, but how can we, when even as a society today we are still embarrassed to talk about sex and intimacy. This never ceases to amaze me -- we all got here by the act of sex. If we can do it, why can't we talk about it? Is it any wonder that so many of us at some stage in our lives find ourselves in a mess?
Perhaps the worse is when the author shares her own story about when she was newly married to a previous husband shortly after starting her own private investigating company and then discovering his infidelity. I was stunned that a guy could be so brazen as to try to pull one over on his P.I. wife! But I understand her when she describes how she's always tried to maintain good friendships with exes, since I've always done the same.
Moore's humor and straightforwardness make this a very entertaining and enlightening read, and I think a good deal of people can benefit from reading Infidelity at least once. And don't wait until you've been cheated on -- there's a good deal of info here to help you be aware of the signs and find the strength to leave a bad situation before it gets to the point of feeling seemingly inescapable.
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